Grounds?

Dude, WTF with your picture? You are so orange you look like an umpa-lumpa.

There's JG! Give me some chocolate!

Pocket Knife

I've got a pocket knife now.

I don't know how many times I have been futily trying to break into a box or some such, can't get the fugger open and then some happy-go-lucky do-gooder walks up with a pocket knife and - SWIPE! Open...

It's like an afront to my manhood, not being able to open the various packages I come across in life. Well no more! I am now equiped with a small Navy SEAL looking pocket knife. Vacum seal, haunt me no more! Die tape, DIE!

P.S. I don't like the way the pocket knife feels in my pocket. So I don't carry it around. But woe to anything overly sealed that goes near my counter top where I pile **** and leave my counter pocket knife laying around.

Oldie but goodie thought and argument

Disclaimer: This is very juvenile but I can't help it. I read a book lately that reminded me of this and then also saw, and I **** you not, an expert panel discuss this on the G4 channel, CNN debate style.

Superman vs. Batman: Superman wins, period. I even hate the concept of him, but as is, if they decide to fight it goes like this. Batman: Trying to say, "I'll get him!" only says, "I…," because Superman, according to his ridiculous powers, can fly at nearly the speed of light. So as soon as he realizes Batman must be eliminated he flies over to Batman's place (in less than a second) and knocks him into a pile of Bill Cosby loving blue pudding on the far side wall of the Bat Cave. Done. Now, you may argue that Batman being super smart would keep some Kryptonite on his belt at all times just in case of this very event. So what? Superman pe*ker-smacks him into the wall in .0001 seconds and then says, "Wow, I don't feel so strong," and leaves; game still over.

Incredible Hulk vs. Wolverine: Incredible Hulk wins, and once again, I don't even like him. At the risk of sounding like the oldest Golden Girl – picture it: Wolverine says, "ARRGGGHHH," and charges. The Hulk says, "RRRRROOOOAAAR," and charges. They meet in the middle, claws out and muscles flexing! The Hulk grabs Wolverine by the arms, rips them off and says, "There. Heal that fugger!" Then he stomps on his head, crushing it like an aluminum beer can, and then rips it off his torso for good measure and punts it over to Africa or somewhere where it is continously eaten by starving tribes men over and over as it heals and regrows. Game over (for as long as there is hunger and no FedEx in Africa).

So there you have it. What would really happen if the answer didn't depend on ever selling more comic books.

Good Invention

They should make a hot-dog bun called the "Fixn" which has taller walls to hold all the chili, cheese and - - well, fixins, you pile on it. So it all doesn't spill over and off.

I am amazed in this day and age it doesn't exist. Phelps and another work buddy have already confirmed the marketability of this item, so I'll except no criticism of this idea. Just buy it. Just buy it.

Wordsmith

Good luck trying to actually keep track of the meaning and difference of the words: eccentric, esoteric and eclectic.

Quick! Compare and contrast these words by using them in a sentence. EEEEHHHH. You lose. Only Webster knows...

Top Designer

I just noticed a show on Bravo called Top Designer, where the competition is about room decoration.

1) I didn't know there could be so much know-how to it.

2) I am pretty sure this show violates some mathematical universal law of gay dude per square inch of show.

3 selections from my myspace blog: Oct 2nd

Here, 3 selections from my myspace blog:

So Ugly
Nothing can be so good looking yet so ugly as an elbow.Bent, it can look strong and purposful.
Straightened out it looks like a wadded up piece of leather.I noticed this the other day when I saw a picture of a hot chick in Maxim with a nasty looking elbow. Luckily they face outward most of the time, so unlike nappy feet, this eye-sore can be avoided most of the time.

Some Girls
Most girls like piano bars. Some like nooks and crannies...

Fuzzy Math that gives me Crazy Head:
I was reading a book not long ago and thought, "I'd give this 3 stars outta' 5 so far." But then the ending got really stupid (it was a story called "Book of the Dead" by the way ) and I downgraded it to a 2.5 outta' 5 stars.At this point I got crazy head.If you like something 3 out of 5, then that is 50%. But if you like someting 2.5 out of 5 then that is also 50%. The only thing I can figure is that 2.5 is exactly 50% of 5, while 3 is technically 40 - 60% of 5. So a 3 is somewhat indecisive. From now on I rate things to the second decimal point. I can see it now."What do you think of that chick? She's hot.""Yeah… I give her a 8.63."

What I see...

1) A long time ago when I saw a dancer doing the robot, I didn't ever think, "Wow. What an amazing feat of skill. How DOES he do that?" I just thought, "That guy moves like a robot. /giggle" So now all this time later when I see a dancer doing the robot, I just see a guy with some tired material. Like a comedian trying to pass off some really old jokes.

2) Sometimes you see old footage of hippies in the 70s as a commentator's voice overlays the feeling of a revolt of the human spirit, as people banded together to fight the good fight against a corrupt and morally bankrupt government. I just see a bunch of herd mentality, cr**k-diet-skinny, doped out body-wave-dancing kids who don't seem to be aware of the time of day. Informed rebellious with their finger on the pulse of world events? Pah-LEASE.

You Savvy the burro?

clos-toe-phobia

Have you ever been hyper-aware of the feeling of your toes being pressed next to each other because of your socks/shoes - or the anatomy of a foot? I hate that. It's irksome; kind of like a mini version of the anxiety/annoyance you get when you think your trapped and can't move your arms.

Sham WOW

I am now the proud owner of a Sham Wow. Dry it feels like a slice ofattic insulation. One thing has become apparent though. They need toinvent the Sham Wow Holder, because after use, you have an 18" x 18",5-pound damp cloth and no where to put it. They don't tell you that inthe info-mercial.

Starbucks Strangeness

Did you know that 90% of the time I go into a Starbucks on a weekendmorning** there is someone, usually a group of someones, working on mathproblems; like out of a text book. It's like X-files strange... A phenomenon.

And by the way, what in the wild wild world of sports are all thosepeople writing on their laptops?
1?) The next great novel? "It was the best of times, it was the worst oftimes. And frankly my dear, Captain Ahab didn't give a damn."
2?) An e-mail to the wife? "I'm SORRY! I thought my remarks would beLOL. Please unlock the doors. I don't want to sit here in Starbucksall day. /sniffle TTYL."
3?) They're spies? "Ernie to Burt, the frog's stripes are green. Irepeat, the frog's stripes are green. God help us..."
4?) They're crazy? "This is definitely not my underwear. Tomorrow isMonday, yeah Monday. Redrum."

** Which is shamefully a lot lately as I used to make fun of suchpeople. I can even speak the lingo. "I want a venti 5-shot americanawith room please." Geez, I am a Class 1 Coffee Drinking Tool (Class 5would be the worst no doubt).